my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
