made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Randomize
