I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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