I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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