a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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