They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
