I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
my shit smells like andre
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
