i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Randomize
