cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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