Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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