I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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