you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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