i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
