Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
