i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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