broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
