I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
