I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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