Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
