I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
