I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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