??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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