If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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