I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
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