ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
