Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
