FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize
