haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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