I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
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