Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
