Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
whose ass print is on the piano?
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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