The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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