i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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