I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
