My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Randomize
