I am puke
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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