I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize
