Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Randomize
