I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
