Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
