I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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