One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
