Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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