I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
