About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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