I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I am midnight drunk by noon
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
