I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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