My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Randomize
