hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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