He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
