IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
